‘The bastards murdered half my family’  When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

‘You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.’  To a Briton in Budapest

‘How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?’  To a driving instructor in Scotland

‘If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?’  After the Dunblane shooting

‘You managed not to get eaten, then?’  To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea

‘Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.’  To Sir Elton John who had a Gold Aston Martin

‘Are we going to need ear plugs?’  After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme

‘You bloody silly fool!’  Snapping at a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him

‘What are you doing here?’ ‘I was invited, sir.’ Philip: ‘Well, you didn’t have to come.’  To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception

‘Do you work in a strip club?’  To female sea cadet

‘Are you running away from something?’  To expats in Abu Dhabi

‘Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.’  After accepting a conservation award in Thailand

‘Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”  At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla

 ‘Are you all one family?’  To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity

‘ The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.’  On the London Traffic Debate

‘You look like you’re ready for bed!’  To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes

‘If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!’  Unknown

‘If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.’  On Princess Anne

‘Brazilians live there’  On key problems facing Brazil

‘You have mosquitos. I have the Press’  To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean

‘What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.’ On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich

‘Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.’  To the General Dental Council