“If you’re able to be yourself, then you have no competition. All you have to do is get closer and closer to that essence” – Barbara Cook
Pretty simple, right?
No competition
entertainment
Saying nothing at all
Shakespeare Insult Kit – for all the writers out there
William Shakespeare was a true master of the English language. For the ultimate Shakespearean insult use the list below …
Combine one word from each of the three columns below,
prefaced with "Thou":
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlot
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
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Dark Place
“Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” – Erica Jong
Duke of Edinburgh classics
‘Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?’ To a blind women with a guide dog
‘Do you still throw spears at each other?’ To Aborigine Leader William Brin in Australia
‘Where did you get the hat?’ To his wife after her coronation
‘The bastards murdered half my family’ When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union
‘You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.’ To a Briton in Budapest
‘How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?’ To a driving instructor in Scotland
‘If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?’ After the Dunblane shooting
‘You managed not to get eaten, then?’ To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea
‘Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.’ To Sir Elton John who had a Gold Aston Martin
‘Are we going to need ear plugs?’ After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme
‘You bloody silly fool!’ Snapping at a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him
‘What are you doing here?’ ‘I was invited, sir.’ Philip: ‘Well, you didn’t have to come.’ To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception
‘Do you work in a strip club?’ To female sea cadet
‘Are you running away from something?’ To expats in Abu Dhabi
‘Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.’ After accepting a conservation award in Thailand
‘Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’” At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla
‘Are you all one family?’ To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity
‘ The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.’ On the London Traffic Debate
‘You look like you’re ready for bed!’ To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes
‘If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!’ Unknown
‘If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.’ On Princess Anne
‘Brazilians live there’ On key problems facing Brazil
‘You have mosquitos. I have the Press’ To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean
‘What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.’ On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich
‘Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.’ To the General Dental Council
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Love comes when manipulation stops
It has taken me a while to realize what my latest completed painting is. You see, I usually have about 30 paintings kicking around my studio, all waiting for that final brush stroke.
This little oil painting ‘The Peace Offering’ shows a naked woman with a dove and a bag of presumably her clothing. She is vulnerable, she has made a mistake, she has undoubtably hurt someone and now wishes to offer herself as a token of her love and devotion.
“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers, American Psychologist
